


We Have No Protocol For This

by copperbadge



Series: Writer In A Drawer 2009 [4]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Bodyswap, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-09-30
Updated: 2009-09-30
Packaged: 2017-12-22 12:59:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/913493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/copperbadge/pseuds/copperbadge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What, you thought bodyswap machines would be fun sex toys?</p>
            </blockquote>





	We Have No Protocol For This

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: Written for round 9 of writerinadrawer. Thanks as ever to Foxy for beta sparkles. I'd been writing really sort of dark fic, and I thought I'd do something light and bantery for a change. This resulted in my second ever negative score. Oops? 
> 
> Theme: Bodyswap; added element, a piece of candy.  
> Word Count: Less than 1200  
> Score: -1 (+1, -2)

"I think," Gwen said, sitting forward on the sofa nervously, "That Owen's the only person actually enjoying this."

"Oh, I don't know," Jack answered, briefly trying to cross his arms and then giving it up. "Toshiko's enjoying shouting at us, aren't you, Tosh?"

"STILL FURIOUS," Tosh yelled, without looking up from the tiny remote control on her desk. She'd pulled the back off now, which probably meant progress, but she had that _I'm about to solder something_ look on her face. Dangerous waters, Jack decided. "How many times have I told you -- "

"Tosh touches first," Jack sighed. 

"And when Tosh doesn't touch the alien artifact first? When people put shiny wristbands on their wrists without asking Tosh first?" Tosh asked.

"Gwen and Jack swap bodies," Jack continued. 

"It might have been mind control that made them do it!" Owen's voice drifted up from the med bay. He put his head out briefly. "You did say you don't remember it?"

"We got the call, we got in the car, the next thing I remember is waking up in Gwen's body," Jack said. "Driving back here was fun."

"Rhys is going to kill me," Gwen moaned. 

"You'll probably come back," Jack offered. Gwen shoved him and he nearly toppled over. She looked horrified.

"Jack! Sorry!"

"It's fine, it's fine, I'm just top heavy," Jack said, righting himself and dusting down his -- Gwen's -- arms. "You're more wiry than you look, from the outside. Let's armwrestle."

"Jack, take this seriously!" Gwen insisted.

"Wow. Am I always that scary when I scold people?" Jack asked, fascinated. 

"Got it," Owen called, just as Ianto appeared from the other side of the Hub with coffee, because when panic set in one could depend on Ianto for hot drinks. Owen pushed past him and stood in front of the couch, hands on his hips. "Okay. I have good news and bad news."

"Worse news than this?" Gwen asked, snapping Jack's suspenders over her chest. Jack frowned. He was sure he'd felt a twinge against his own chest. Well, Gwen's...chest...

In the fifty-first century they had words for this kind of thing. Not so much, in the twenty-first. 

"That's the bad news," Owen said. Gwen rolled Jack's eyes. 

"The good news is, your consciousness is not inherently transferred," Owen said, brandishing a printout. "So when I tell you to lift your arm..."

Jack reached over and lifted the arm of his own body. 

"...funny, Harkness," Owen remarked. Behind him, Ianto smirked. "When I tell you to lift your arm, your body's brain puts out the signal -- it's just Gwen's body's arm that lifts, instead of yours. So I'm guessing you are psychically controlling each others' bodies. Here's where it gets interesting," he added, and shoved a piece of chocolate in Jack's body's mouth.

"Eurgh -- gah," Jack said, trying to spit out a taste from food that wasn't there. Gwen, in his actual body, was chewing thoughtfully. 

"Everyone likes chocolate. It's chocolate. What kind of person doesn't like chocolate?" Ianto asked the air. "Oh, right, our fearless leader."

"It's disgusting," Jack said, wiping his -- Gwen's -- tongue with...Gwen's fingers. "Why am I tasting it?"

"I can hardly taste it at all," Gwen said. 

"Yeah," Owen nodded. "I'm not sure what kind of nerve tampering this thing does -- Tosh?"

"Working," Tosh called. Oh, God, the soldering iron was out. 

"Anyway," Owen continued, as Gwen mercifully swallowed and the taste went away, "you still share some sensation with your actual body. The stronger the sensation, the more you feel it. I'm guessing pain would cross over the strongest."

"Why?" Gwen asked. "What possible point..."

She trailed off as she caught the thoughtful look on her own face. 

"I've heard about this," Jack said slowly. "It's useful for prisoners. Keeps them off-balance. Hence the remote. Guard keeps the remote, swaps people over when he wants to confuse them..."

"I should think it would be very useful in an interrogation situation," Ianto observed. Everyone looked at him. "Well. Pain transference. Two for the price of one. Plus you wouldn't ever lose consciousness."

"That's sick," Gwen said. 

"What, you thought this would be a fun sex toy?" Jack asked. "We never get the fun sex toys," he added.

"Stop talking about sex toys while you're in me!" Gwen blurted.

"Not helping," Ianto murmured. 

"Meanwhile, back in _Torchwood_ ," Owen snapped, "If Tosh can figure out how to adjust the settings on the remote, I think we can hook you up to some biofeedback and get you unswapped. Or were you enjoying that brassiere?" he asked Jack. Jack looked down, caught Gwen glaring at him, and looked up defiantly.

"It has its functions," he answered. Owen threw up his hands in defeat. 

"So..." Ianto said, as Owen grumbled off to set up the biofeedback machines. He seemed lost for words to express what he was thinking. Jack had a few ideas, many of them interesting, and judging from his face, Ianto did too. 

"Nobody's having sex until this is fixed," Gwen announced. 

"But theoretically," Ianto tried, "if I did, you wouldn't really -- "

"No!" Gwen said. Ianto bit his lip and nodded at Jack's body. Gwen looked down at Jack's body's lap.

"JACK," she cried, and he ducked away from the shove just in time. "Stop thinking whatever you're thinking. Think about horrible things. Make it go away!"

"I'm not controlling it! Maybe it was the sex toys," Jack protested. 

" _You brought up the sex toys!_ " Gwen hissed. 

Jack was opening his mouth to reply when there was a loud noise from Tosh's direction. He had a disorienting moment where he seemed to be both looking directly at Tosh and turning his head to look at her, which resulted in him trying to turn back and forward at the same time, and sent him sprawling against the hard wooden arm of the sofa. 

"I think I fixed it!" Tosh called excitedly. "Jack?"

"Here!" Jack said, raising his own hand, his own blessed hand. The little metal bracelet on it clattered to the floor. Next to him, Gwen was pulling hers off hurriedly. 

"Already?" Owen demanded, putting his head out of the medbay doorway. "You're no fun, Tosh."

"I like Toshiko best today," Jack announced. "Give her the rest of the chocolate. I need to go brush my teeth. Yuck."

As he walked past (oh it was good to walk in his own body again) Ianto leaned towards him and muttered, "Missed opportunity."

"My teeth aren't the only thing I need to take care of," Jack muttered back suggestively.

It was amazing how fast Ianto could clear away the coffee things, given the proper motivation.


End file.
